I've been working so much over 70 hours a week...I have no time to exhale...I miss being able to write for its the only way I accept the way i feel its how I vent and breath...is it worth loosing yourself when you work so hard and you feel yourself becoming a stranger to the reflection in the mirror

fucking humbug

I don't know what this is. What it is exactly that I'm trying to say in this. Perhaps its a statement of just how I might be feeling at the present time. With my thirtieth birthday looming in the shadows I feel a bit of gloom making a presence over my moods lately. I have yet to find a woman in which I would be happy to marry and spend my life with. But then I ask myself is that all there is to life, procreating? Is that how we measure our worth as a human beings? I don't know when I look around me I see married couples with little rugrats running around causing havoc and in a way my heart cries out for that. It makes me feel as if I am a failure, not having a family and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. But then again life always gave me lemons and I often didn't stop to make lemonade. I just went on my way with my head down and my heart filled with dreams. Perhaps my dreams are to farfetched and I reach for more then the norm and that's where I've gone wrong. I have regrets so many I can hardly count them. Although I do have one thing I poured my soul out for my book. Yes it is my first book and unfortunately I must use this phrase "God Willing" I plan on writing more. I love to write although I am no English major by any means its all I have in my life that keeps me balanced and sometimes I find it easier to express myself through text then vocally. I don't even know what I'm trying to say as I write this its just that some times I feel so fucking irrelevant to the rest of the world and it just seems like once an artist becomes famous no matter what "shit" they create people fall upon it like its brilliant when its not and it lacks originality and depth and even a soul. I'm just tired of the same old movies and the same old crap and people writing to just write and not put their heart and soul into their work after they have already become a successes. But as consumers we let it happen and we line up in stores and by the next book by that same author who once about ten years ago captivated us but now has gone stale and bland and just writes for the money, when there are people out there who work hard at their craft and pour out their every fiber into their work and it sits on a shelf and gets dusty. because why? We let it happen look a all the remade movies that are out now are we fucking serious does anyone out there have an original idea. I don't know what else I want to say I'm just ranting pointlessly....